Misunderstanding seems fundamental to relationships in the human world. Most of us will have experienced a misunderstanding by the time we are twenty. You see this kind of plot used in films all the time. If the character had only stayed just a few minutes longer, what he or she assumed was going on, would have been understood differently. But then, of course, no film! Misunderstandings are probably at the root of many a conflict but for relationships – they can be the precursor of a weave of painful, insidious reactions meant to exact revenge on an innocent party.
Examples of misunderstandings
If I complete the sentence in relation to the examples it could be as follows: For the young people overheard by the adult ‘ I am really afraid of you … leaving me!’ For the young couple it could be ‘I am really afraid of you … doing something stupid!’ For the Mother to the son or daughter ‘I am really afraid of you … leaving it too late to apply!’ These examples are just meant to illustrate the complexities of language and what we can assume from a simple misunderstanding. We may join the dots with what we hear but we may not join them correctly.
My friend, who taught philosophy, often had students come and ask if they could have a minute of his time and he would reply ‘You have just had it!’He would then walk off for fun. These nuances of language are so important to our lives that they shouldn’t just be assumed in relationships. Another example is ‘take that back!’ Once a thing has been said it is out there, impossible to take back yet we are demanding some kind of apology – we can’t really take it back. I asked a question of someone once, actually a trained philosopher who now has a blossoming career. In reply he said ‘Can you not ask that?’ But, I had already asked it and so could not, not ask it. What he actually, in all honesty, needed to say was ‘ I am not prepared to answer that question!’
The pain a misunderstanding can cause.
I have experienced the pain of misunderstandings too often. I have experienced the pain of people too ready to assume the worst because that, in fact, reflects their own characters. There is sometimes justice, but all too often you will never be able to prove your innocence because of the willingness of another person to believe their own interpretation of the world and those in it. I have known mothers that have suffered immense abuse from their children due to misunderstandings, especially in separation.
I have known many Mothers who have suffered at the hands of their adult children when in actuality it was the Father that caused the problems. The sadness is that while this misunderstanding continues and collects even more misunderstandings, a loving parent is lost to a veil of lies and deceit, perpetuated by feelings based on assumptions. Oh how righteous we feel when wronged and how righteous to then react! But, in being wronged are we right in what we have assumed? I ask if we are right because we can also misunderstand facial expressions.
Self-esteem
When we are in love, in mourning, anxious, angry, in debt, afraid, lonely, insecure, unemployed or any of the heightened emotional states our tendency to jump to conclusions seems to be heightened. Imagine a stranger passing you in the street. She glances in your direction and to you appears that she is sneering and accusative. Either you will dismiss it immediately without a second thought or perhaps you will start an internal dialogue on the woman’s motives for looking at you in this accusative way. It may make you feel anxious and upset in your attempts to understand what it is about you that caused such a look.
While you engage in a detailed analysis it may never occur to you that you cannot discover the reason she looked at you the way you think she did because she is not there to explain. Yet our minds convince us that with analysis we might find the cause and that finding the cause will provide relief. The cause could be one thousand and one different things combining yet we look for a single action in a fruitless, anxiety producing search. How would it help to know the cause ‘so I can avoid it in the future’ has been the reply on many occasions. I have asked ‘how would you know when these conditions have conspired to create the same effect? Mostly clients have replied with disdain ‘I wouldn’t, would I .’
If, however, you believe ‘you are worthless’, ‘ugly’, ‘too fat’, ‘stupid’ or a number of other things, it is probably the reason that will convince you that is why she looked at you that way. But, perhaps she had just received bad news, lost her job, lost her partner, or had just learnt of a serious illness or a number of other awful things. Or just maybe she wasn’t looking at you at all. I once had a client that was ruminating on a look she received from a man. She was distraught and babbling asking ‘Why?’ What did I do?’ She then went on to say everyone looks at her that way. I happened to know that the man she was talking about is blind. She did not believe me – it did not fit the way she perceived the world, which to her was always threatening and hostile.
We are quick to turn others behaviour and dialogue into evidence for that which we already believe about ourselves. There is an overarching need to convert, pervert, misconstrue, or distort every verbal or facial expression into supporting evidence for our beliefs. All of this in an effort to placate an anxious mind in a frightening world – or so we believe! We listen to our mind’s chatter as if it reveals golden truths. Our minds are ours after all, so how can they be wrong? Some will adamantly profess ‘I know what I heard and I know what I saw !’ I think I have given a few reasons why that might not be the case. So, I would have to ask ‘what makes you so certain?’
This is a quote from the Discourses of Epictetus (AD55 – AD135). He was a Stoic Philosopher.
‘In the first place, do not allow yourself to be carried away by [the] intensity [of your impression]: but say, ‘Impression, wait for me a little. Let me see what you are, and what you represent. Let me test you.’ Then, afterwards, do not allow it to draw you on by picturing what may come next, for if you do, it will lead you wherever it pleases.’
(Discourses 2.18.24–5, trans. Hard)
